New Time Wasting In-Take Policy

So it is time for another post about how this company is stupid and they find another way to waste customers' and employees' time.  This time I will talk about the new in-take policy we have for when we take in a computer for service.  Regardless of what the computer is coming in for I'm supposed to try to sell every additional service and part under the sun to the customer.  Now I feel like when a customer brings in a computer for service that I should ask, "Would you like to hear my speel on how you can waste more money today on top of what it costs to fix your computer?" 

Not only am I supposed to offer all of these services to customers I am also supposed to run a program that they like to call, the in-take analysis.  This program has got to be the biggest waste of time in the existence of time wasting.  All the program does is check how much memory you have, how much hard drive space you have, if you have an antivirus/firewall installed, and space used up by temperary files.  I can look those things up in a matter of minutes instead of the 20-30 minutes it takes for a single in-take analysis to run.  While this program is running I am supposed to gather information from the customer that they could give two shits about.  After I get their story, I have to go to another computer to look up how much memory they can go up to, and how much it will cost.  If it is a laptop I am also supposed to look up a spare power adapter and a spare battery.  Granted if we offer these things enough times one person will eventually say yes, even though our parts prices are marked up 30% above the actual cost.  But what about the 90% of people say they don't want anything, I just wasted those 10 minutes looking up information that they don't even care about.  Those are 10 wasted minutes I will never get back.  Plus if they are bringing in a computer for a serious issue they aren't going to be interested in upgrading they just want the damn thing working.  "I see that you are bringing your computer in because it caught on fire, would you like to add more memory to speed it up?" 

I'm going to throw a little math your way, so hopefully I don't freak out some of those that hate math.  If we take in 30 computers a week and most of them run like shit when they come in, it takes 30 minutes to complete the in-take analysis while bullshitting finding other stuff they won't buy.  That's 900 minutes of just taking in computers.  If we take those 900 minutes and divide by 60 minutes we find that 15 hours has been used just to take in new jobs.  That's not even completing any of the work they are originally bringing it in for.  Some of the techs that work in our store may only have 15 hours a week.  Basically you are telling one employee to come in this week just to take in computers but do nothing else.  It is completely retarded.  Especially when we are expected to perform 5 different tasks at a time.

To enforce the fact that we HAVE to run this stupid in-take analysis and perform all the parts quotes, we are required to call a manager over for every computer we take in to verify the information and try to upsell more.  Lately, I and other associates don't really give a shit so we don't even page a manager over.  Then later on the managers go through all the "envelopes" and sign off on each one.  If we don't fill out the envelope 100% or have an in-take analysis printed out with the work order, we are threatened to be written up.  "Why were you fired from your last job?" "Oh I didn't fill out a paper completely."  Meanwhile associates who steal or don't even show up to work are still working.  Go figure.

ASAT

So it's that time of year again where the company sends out the Associate Satisfaction Survey, that employees are encouraged to fill out honestly. Every year the ASAT keeps returning low scores, instead of trying to fix dissatisfaction among associates, they make the survey the exact same the next year and hope the score goes up. While discussing the dumb questions they ask us we constatly explain how they should have a comments section instead of answering the questions on a scale of 1 to 5 to accturately depict how employees feel and why they feel this way.  But since they don't really care, I'm going to break down some of the questions from the survey because I find them completely hilarious and pointless.  We are asked to answer these questions on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = Strongly Disagree, 5 = Strongly Agree).  Oh by the way, we are told constantly how the survey is a depiction of how the store is, not about the company.  If you read the questions you will notice how it constatly asks the company's name, nothing about the store.  Here we go!

Question 1:  I am proud to work for ___________.

Answer:  I don't know how anyone can be proud to work for this place

Question 2: I would recommend __________ as a great place to work.

Answer:  HAHAHAHAHA I recommend people I know to stay the hell away from trying to get a job here, unless you are seriously that desperate and you want to be completely miserable...

Question 3: If I had my own way, I will be working for __________ in 12 months from now.

Answer:  How is this question even on this survey?  If I had my own way, I would be on a tropical island with girls in each arm.

Question 4:  I feel encouraged to come up with new and better ways of doing things.

Answer: This question is completely hilarious.  If I come up with new and better ways of doing things I am immediately shut down and told I have to do what the company has told me to do, no matter how backwards ass it is.

Question 5:  I feel comfortable speaking up when I disagree with a decision.

Answer:  This may be the only question where I feel I could agree.  Everytime corporate comes up with a new and stupid way of doing something.  I always express my views on it, not that it matters much anway.

Then the survey asks a couple things about if having charitable donations and associate volunteer program makes a positive impact on associate engagement.  Umm ok.

Finally the last question:  How would you rate _____________ to work for compared to other companies? (1 = One of the Worst; 5 = One of the Best)

Answer: Wow, just wow.  I am very surprised they asked this question.  How many people will honestly give this company a 5?  At most I would give it a 3.  AT MOST.  I forgot what I actually put on the survey but I can tell you right now it was not a 5, but you probably guessed that based on the title of my blog.

Leave some comments on how you feel about these questions.  How dumb do you think the survey is?

The Baler Key Dilemma (UPATE 4-4-12)

UPDATE 4-4-12

Ok so if you read the original post you know how I was complaining about taking out the baler key and how stupid it was.  Well I did some more investigation and it turns out when our LP (Loss Prevention) visited the store he was the one bitching about how people were stealing stuff by sticking it in the baler.  Which as I pointed out doesn't make any sense at all.  Well the day after I posted this original post we were breaking down boxes and I had to get the baler key.  I got the key, crushed the boxes and left the key in the baler as I normally do.  The next day when I went into work I was being questioned as to what happened to the baler key.  What?  Apparently by leaving the key in the baler it has now gone missing.  That makes no sense.  The OM texted the GM about where the key had gone, the GM said I was the last one to have it.  Yeah I was but I left it in the fucking baler.  My guess is the GM took the key out at the end of that night but completely forgot about it.  Ok so we have no baler key but the OM found another key on his own keychain that worked in the baler.  That was being used for a couple days until now that one too has seemed to vanish.  Needless to say we no longer have any baler key and can't break down boxes anymore.  I like how this wasn't a problem at all when the key stayed in the baler.  It is kind of ironic that LOSS PREVENTION is the one that said we should take it out to prevent loss.  I don't think he realized that two keys getting lost would also be a problem....
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ORIGINAL POST

If you read my previous post you will remember when I spoke about how whenever we get a visit from the Gods of Retail, the baler key always seems to disappear.  Well it has been a few weeks since then and for the last few days I noticed that whenever I went throw boxes into the baler I couldn't because none of the boxes were crushed.  And the damn key was gone again.  At that point I don't give a crap and just throw the boxes right in front of the baler and walk away.   I became a little more concerned about this situation when I realized I would have to be the one to get the stupid key and crush the millions of boxes sitting in front of the baler and it is starting to piss me off.   The main reason it pisses me off because I see no logic for it being taken out in the first place.  No one is going to somehow jump in the baler and turn it on from the inside and crush themselves, it just isn't happening.  And some customer isn't going to go to receiving just to steal the baler key, if they did they are completely retarded.

Well today I decided to complain to one of my fellow coworkers about how freaking lame it is.  He told me that there is a reason why the key keeps getting taken out now.  I originally thought it was because of the last visits either the DM or the head of LP bitched about the key being left in the baler.  Here is the logic I was given.  Apparently there has been quite a bit of internal theft in the store.  Meaning employees are stealing shit from the store.  Somehow it is assumed that they are stealing stuff and hiding it in the baler.  This makes no fucking sense.  If they were hiding something in the baler, it is going to get crushed.  Whatever they were just trying to steal is now flattened like a pancake.  "I really want this printer, I don't care if it gets flattened and doesn't work anymore!" or "Wow this laptop is even thinner than the display model, it's ok that it doesn't even power on or the screen is smashed!".... Sometimes I really don't understand the things that happens in this store...

ALL HAIL THE RETAIL GODS!

It's that time of year again, when upper management decides to visit our store.  Lord Farquaad and his boss we'll call him Bob, came in a little while ago.  Of course we knew they were coming in advance but as always we have to make sure the store is 100% to please the Retail Gods.   This of course means that we have to neglect our normal daily activities to make sure the store is spotless and set correctly.  But the day before the visit we got a truck which means the next day when I close, about 85% of my pull-list will still be buried on the truck.  When they got to the store I was helping a customer when the GM calls over to me saying, "They are here!" Oh great, fantastic, happy day... 

As soon as they came in they go behind the tech counter and immediately start looking at the service envelopes and critiquing every last note written on the envelope.  Once I was done with the customer I was helping at the tech counter I high tailed it away from the counter as fast as I could because I didn't want to hear anything they were saying because frankly, I don't fucking care.  So I decided to finish breaking down the tech truck so I could do my pull-list in a timely manner instead of digging through mountains of boxes to find a 4 port USB hub.  After they finally leave and some annoying role playing lameness later, I get to hear about the things they said to the GM.  The GM tells me of the surprising fact that I brought a U-Boat of truck out onto the floor to put everything away, we weren't even that busy and there were surprisingly 2 techs working.  Lord Farquaad and Bob apparently were shocked by this and said you don't normally do truck this early do you? Granted it was some time in the afternoon, not AM.  Apparently we aren't supposed to do truck until the wee hours of the night because we are supposed to devote 100% of our time dealing with customers... So apparently they want us to get truck done, but they don't want us to do it.  Makes perfect sense to me.  Especially when we watched the LAME video it says we are supposed to work and let customers know we are available to assist them, not just walk by twiddling our thumbs.    Oh by the way the LAME program (or so I call it) is a program the company spent millions of dollars on to improve our customer purchases and track how many people actually came into the store.  You know instead of spending that money on employees who are actually reponsible for all that shit.  Instead they give employees 3 cent raises and say continue the good work!  FUCK YOU!  And I think LAME stands for Lame Annoying  Miserable Enviornment.  I know I shouldn't have lame as part of the acroynym but oh well.  But that is what I think they should rename the program to.

And the last thing I like to point out is that every time we get a visit from HR, or LP, or any kind of higher management the freakin baler key keeps getting taken out of the baler.  Like it is dangerous to leave the key in there?!  Who the hell will jump in the baler and somehow turn it on from the inside and crush themselves?! NO ONE!  So I was about to throw boxes in the baler but couldn't because the key was gone.  You know what? Fuck it, I'm not going to the front of the store to get the key that should already be there just to break boxes.

People are Crazy

This week has been kind of crazy.  Or rather the people that have been coming into the store are crazy.  I partly blame it on the fact that is a full moon but mostly these people are just nuts.  I am going to go through a couple of customer interactions that has happened to me and a couple of my fellow associates.  The first one is actually a continuation of the story Umm, You Can't Back That Up .  The customer from that story showed up again, of course when I'm in the middle of helping a customer and two others are waiting.  While I'm walking to an aisle to get an antivirus program for the customer I am helping he comes up to me and reminds me about his computer...  We backed up his data but we didn't do the recovery because he didn't have recovery discs.  He goes on to tell me that the manufacturer of his computer didn't carry the recovery discs for his machine anymore and he downloaded it.  WHAT? While he is explaining this, in my head I'm like dude what the fuck are you talking about?!  You can't download recovery discs and if you did you did so illegally.  Then he starts asking me why did he have to pay for the diagnsotic on his computer.  Because we fucking diagnosed what was wrong with your computer!

The next story involved this little asian lady and my coworker.  The lady wanted a diagnostic to be performed at her house instead of bringing it to the store.  Now remember I am the on-site tech in my store and I would be the one that goes out.  Now the coworker goes on to explain that before I can go to her house to diagnose the problem with the computer she would have to pay for the service.  She says, "Oh I see, you are one of those Mitt Romney companies!!" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?!?  Anyway she keeps complaining that she has to pay for me to go to her house.  Then she tells my coworker that she can just pick me up at the store.  WHAT!??! No you can't just pick me up at the store.  To top off the story, my coworker goes to the board with my picture on it to get her a business card to the store and my name on it.  Yeah it's freakin stupid that the techs now have their pictures on a board for all the weirdos to see.  Anyway while my coworker is grabbing the business card she points to one of the pictures of my other coworker and just says, "I don't like him!!!" hahahaha

Give Me Gas Money!

I go into work a earlier in the afternoon when the morning tech is still there.  While he is still in the store we decide to clean up receiving a little bit, we still had printers, monitors, and computers on u-boats that had to be put away.  We finish putting them all away then maybe a half hour to forty five minutes later a lady comes in looking for a cheap laptop.  It is only being used for email and Internet so a basic machine is fine.  She picks out the one she wants and I check to see if we have it, and we do so I bring it out and proceed to ring her up.  While the transaction is finalizing the SM is calling the tech counter from the copy center and my co-worker picks it up.  He's talking to the SM and I can only hear the co-workers side of the conversation.  Long story short the laptop that I just sold was being held for someone who had called earlier that morning.  Too bad there was no note or anything on the computer saying it was on hold so how the hell am I supposed to know, I'm not a freakin' mind reader.

When the lady leaves the store I talk to the SM wondering what we are going to do about the customer that had called.  I check and see the computer is still available on .com so worst comes to worst I can order it for the customer.  We also decided that we will let the customer know it was on hold but someone came in earlier saying they had the computer on hold and we sold it to them assuming it was the same person.

A few hours later a guy comes in to return a .com laptop that we had just ordered not too long ago and says he is going to switch it out for something different.  Ok, so I proceed with the return of the .com order and after I finish he says that we had a laptop on hold for him... Oh great this is the guy who had originally called for the hold on the computer.  I go to the back to check just in case I had missed one in our lockup but alas there were no more.  I tell the customer what had transpired saying it was on hold but someone came in earlier claiming it was on hold.  The guy starts freaking out saying this is bullshit and complaining why didn't we write his name on the damn computer.  I understand his frurstration, it's not my fault my SM is dumb afterall. 

So I try to check online to see if we can still order it but our register computers blow so much that it just freezes once I get to the page.  The customer says he wants it tonight, so I check our nearby stores to track one down.  Our next closest store is only 20 minutes away and I called them to confirm that they had one to sell.  As I stated in a previous post we aren't allowed to do "save a sale" anymore so the customer would have to go to the store to purchase it.  The guy from the other store is saying that they have one and will the customer be in tonight.  I ask the customer if he will be going there tonight to get it because they do have it.  The customer says yes he wants it tonight but we have to give him gas money to go pick it up.  WTF??  Or we have to go get it for him (we were shorthanded so no) or that the other store would have to bring it to him.  Meanwhile the guy on the phone from the other store keeps asking what we are going to do.  I tell him the customer's name, to just hold it aside and I will call back if there is a problem because the customer is freaking out right now.  I tell the customer that it's held aside and he can get it tonight.  He keeps complaining that I have to give him gas money to get it and the GM also gets involved saying unfortunately we cannot give him gas money.  The guy leaves the store all pissed off and cursing.

Later on that night the GM texts the SM saying that the guy is going to come back into the store the next day to talk to the person that put the computer on hold.  The SM texts back all nervous asking why is he going to be asking for me?! Of course the customer never said this but the GM thought it would be funny to get a rise out of the SM, I concur.  To make it even better I think I am going to describe the guy to the SM in a manner that will scare the shit out of the SM.  I am going to describe him as like 6'5", muscley and bald, wearing a SLAYER t-shirt, driving a pickup truck with testicles hanging from the back.  Oh and I think I'm also going to tell him as the guy was leaving the store he said, "I'm going to cut off the balls of the guy who said he put the laptop aside for me!"  In reality the guy was like 5'7" and really skinny and wasn't very threatening at all.

The Sweet Sound of Death

Tonight I was working like any other night.  As the only tech working, I had to deal with people waiting in a line who get frustrated because they were waiting in a line.   I am the only one there that can help them with whatever tech problems they are having.  While I'm helping this one guy pick up his computer that had some corrupted video drivers, I notice three other people behind the man I'm currently dealing with.  The guy with the computer leaves and I get a data transfer cable for the guy who was next in line.  Then I come back to the tech counter and talk to the third person who was there with her daughter and she starts to go off on me.

Lady: "I had my computer here and you cleaned it out and now the sound is dead, you killed the sound!"

Based on what I just heard, it sounds like we did a system recovery and we somehow missed the audio drivers.  I ask her for her phone number to see what work we did on the computer and when it was completed.  When I look up the work order by her phone number the first thing that I notice is that the computer was last serviced mid OCTOBER of 2011...  (I have mentioned this distorted view of time the customers have in this post).  I mention that is when the computer was here and proceed to see what work was completed.  I open it and find that all we did on the computer was a PC Tune-up and a Memory Installation.  In no way, shape, or form could doing a tune-up and memory install cause it to "kill her audio".  I then go on to tell her exactly that. 

Me: "Ma'am we did a tune-up and a RAM installation on your computer there is no way that either of those services could have 'killed your sound'.  Now it is possible that the laptop's speakers are dead or a driver could have been corrupted but it wouldn't have been from the services we performed..."

Lady: "NO! THAT IS NOT THE PROBLEM! YOU KILLED MY SOUND!! I HAD THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE LOOK AT MY COMPUTER AND THEY ALL SAID THAT YOU KILLED MY SOUND!!! I AM VERY UPSET I GO TO PLAY SOMETHING AND I HAVE NO SOUND!!! I WANT TO TALK THE MANAGER TO HAVE THIS RESOLVED!!"

Me: "If this was a problem resulting from the services we did, why didn't you come back after it was done...?"

I completely forgot what she told me at this point because I was in disbelief in what was going on.  My guess is it was something lame like, "I was on vacation for two months" or "I was in the hospital for a sprained ankle"

At this point I have lost faith in humanity so I went into the office to clear my thoughts.  I page my fellow co-worker into the office and tell him of what has just transpired.  He is laughing as I point to lady through the two way mirror, a mirror on one side, and a window on the other.  She then goes up to one of the managers and starts explaining what she just explained to me.  My co-worker and I struggle as we try to hear what she is saying through the glass.  She basically explains the same thing to the manager and the manager explains what a tune-up entails and how it is performed and in no way could the sound not working be resulting from our service.  He then asked if she had a virus recently and her face turned completely red, apparently she had.  He explains more than likely a virus has caused the issues and she could bring it in for us to look at for a diagnostic charge...

RIP Sound

It was nice Hearing you!