Wednesday, March 21, 2012

ALL HAIL THE RETAIL GODS!

It's that time of year again, when upper management decides to visit our store.  Lord Farquaad and his boss we'll call him Bob, came in a little while ago.  Of course we knew they were coming in advance but as always we have to make sure the store is 100% to please the Retail Gods.   This of course means that we have to neglect our normal daily activities to make sure the store is spotless and set correctly.  But the day before the visit we got a truck which means the next day when I close, about 85% of my pull-list will still be buried on the truck.  When they got to the store I was helping a customer when the GM calls over to me saying, "They are here!" Oh great, fantastic, happy day... 

As soon as they came in they go behind the tech counter and immediately start looking at the service envelopes and critiquing every last note written on the envelope.  Once I was done with the customer I was helping at the tech counter I high tailed it away from the counter as fast as I could because I didn't want to hear anything they were saying because frankly, I don't fucking care.  So I decided to finish breaking down the tech truck so I could do my pull-list in a timely manner instead of digging through mountains of boxes to find a 4 port USB hub.  After they finally leave and some annoying role playing lameness later, I get to hear about the things they said to the GM.  The GM tells me of the surprising fact that I brought a U-Boat of truck out onto the floor to put everything away, we weren't even that busy and there were surprisingly 2 techs working.  Lord Farquaad and Bob apparently were shocked by this and said you don't normally do truck this early do you? Granted it was some time in the afternoon, not AM.  Apparently we aren't supposed to do truck until the wee hours of the night because we are supposed to devote 100% of our time dealing with customers... So apparently they want us to get truck done, but they don't want us to do it.  Makes perfect sense to me.  Especially when we watched the LAME video it says we are supposed to work and let customers know we are available to assist them, not just walk by twiddling our thumbs.    Oh by the way the LAME program (or so I call it) is a program the company spent millions of dollars on to improve our customer purchases and track how many people actually came into the store.  You know instead of spending that money on employees who are actually reponsible for all that shit.  Instead they give employees 3 cent raises and say continue the good work!  FUCK YOU!  And I think LAME stands for Lame Annoying  Miserable Enviornment.  I know I shouldn't have lame as part of the acroynym but oh well.  But that is what I think they should rename the program to.

And the last thing I like to point out is that every time we get a visit from HR, or LP, or any kind of higher management the freakin baler key keeps getting taken out of the baler.  Like it is dangerous to leave the key in there?!  Who the hell will jump in the baler and somehow turn it on from the inside and crush themselves?! NO ONE!  So I was about to throw boxes in the baler but couldn't because the key was gone.  You know what? Fuck it, I'm not going to the front of the store to get the key that should already be there just to break boxes.

2 comments:

  1. The fact that they track people that walk into the store is extremely flawed as it doesn't account for famililes with kids, it almost implies that they expect the kids to buy something. If they ask me what color day we had yesterday, I just say "Don't know, don't care." It seems the ultimate goal of LAME is to whore out the employees to get people to want to buy more of those god awful extended warranties.

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  2. VIBE - Very Ignorant Buyers Enter.

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