New Time Wasting In-Take Policy

So it is time for another post about how this company is stupid and they find another way to waste customers' and employees' time.  This time I will talk about the new in-take policy we have for when we take in a computer for service.  Regardless of what the computer is coming in for I'm supposed to try to sell every additional service and part under the sun to the customer.  Now I feel like when a customer brings in a computer for service that I should ask, "Would you like to hear my speel on how you can waste more money today on top of what it costs to fix your computer?" 

Not only am I supposed to offer all of these services to customers I am also supposed to run a program that they like to call, the in-take analysis.  This program has got to be the biggest waste of time in the existence of time wasting.  All the program does is check how much memory you have, how much hard drive space you have, if you have an antivirus/firewall installed, and space used up by temperary files.  I can look those things up in a matter of minutes instead of the 20-30 minutes it takes for a single in-take analysis to run.  While this program is running I am supposed to gather information from the customer that they could give two shits about.  After I get their story, I have to go to another computer to look up how much memory they can go up to, and how much it will cost.  If it is a laptop I am also supposed to look up a spare power adapter and a spare battery.  Granted if we offer these things enough times one person will eventually say yes, even though our parts prices are marked up 30% above the actual cost.  But what about the 90% of people say they don't want anything, I just wasted those 10 minutes looking up information that they don't even care about.  Those are 10 wasted minutes I will never get back.  Plus if they are bringing in a computer for a serious issue they aren't going to be interested in upgrading they just want the damn thing working.  "I see that you are bringing your computer in because it caught on fire, would you like to add more memory to speed it up?" 

I'm going to throw a little math your way, so hopefully I don't freak out some of those that hate math.  If we take in 30 computers a week and most of them run like shit when they come in, it takes 30 minutes to complete the in-take analysis while bullshitting finding other stuff they won't buy.  That's 900 minutes of just taking in computers.  If we take those 900 minutes and divide by 60 minutes we find that 15 hours has been used just to take in new jobs.  That's not even completing any of the work they are originally bringing it in for.  Some of the techs that work in our store may only have 15 hours a week.  Basically you are telling one employee to come in this week just to take in computers but do nothing else.  It is completely retarded.  Especially when we are expected to perform 5 different tasks at a time.

To enforce the fact that we HAVE to run this stupid in-take analysis and perform all the parts quotes, we are required to call a manager over for every computer we take in to verify the information and try to upsell more.  Lately, I and other associates don't really give a shit so we don't even page a manager over.  Then later on the managers go through all the "envelopes" and sign off on each one.  If we don't fill out the envelope 100% or have an in-take analysis printed out with the work order, we are threatened to be written up.  "Why were you fired from your last job?" "Oh I didn't fill out a paper completely."  Meanwhile associates who steal or don't even show up to work are still working.  Go figure.

ASAT

So it's that time of year again where the company sends out the Associate Satisfaction Survey, that employees are encouraged to fill out honestly. Every year the ASAT keeps returning low scores, instead of trying to fix dissatisfaction among associates, they make the survey the exact same the next year and hope the score goes up. While discussing the dumb questions they ask us we constatly explain how they should have a comments section instead of answering the questions on a scale of 1 to 5 to accturately depict how employees feel and why they feel this way.  But since they don't really care, I'm going to break down some of the questions from the survey because I find them completely hilarious and pointless.  We are asked to answer these questions on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = Strongly Disagree, 5 = Strongly Agree).  Oh by the way, we are told constantly how the survey is a depiction of how the store is, not about the company.  If you read the questions you will notice how it constatly asks the company's name, nothing about the store.  Here we go!

Question 1:  I am proud to work for ___________.

Answer:  I don't know how anyone can be proud to work for this place

Question 2: I would recommend __________ as a great place to work.

Answer:  HAHAHAHAHA I recommend people I know to stay the hell away from trying to get a job here, unless you are seriously that desperate and you want to be completely miserable...

Question 3: If I had my own way, I will be working for __________ in 12 months from now.

Answer:  How is this question even on this survey?  If I had my own way, I would be on a tropical island with girls in each arm.

Question 4:  I feel encouraged to come up with new and better ways of doing things.

Answer: This question is completely hilarious.  If I come up with new and better ways of doing things I am immediately shut down and told I have to do what the company has told me to do, no matter how backwards ass it is.

Question 5:  I feel comfortable speaking up when I disagree with a decision.

Answer:  This may be the only question where I feel I could agree.  Everytime corporate comes up with a new and stupid way of doing something.  I always express my views on it, not that it matters much anway.

Then the survey asks a couple things about if having charitable donations and associate volunteer program makes a positive impact on associate engagement.  Umm ok.

Finally the last question:  How would you rate _____________ to work for compared to other companies? (1 = One of the Worst; 5 = One of the Best)

Answer: Wow, just wow.  I am very surprised they asked this question.  How many people will honestly give this company a 5?  At most I would give it a 3.  AT MOST.  I forgot what I actually put on the survey but I can tell you right now it was not a 5, but you probably guessed that based on the title of my blog.

Leave some comments on how you feel about these questions.  How dumb do you think the survey is?

The Baler Key Dilemma (UPATE 4-4-12)

UPDATE 4-4-12

Ok so if you read the original post you know how I was complaining about taking out the baler key and how stupid it was.  Well I did some more investigation and it turns out when our LP (Loss Prevention) visited the store he was the one bitching about how people were stealing stuff by sticking it in the baler.  Which as I pointed out doesn't make any sense at all.  Well the day after I posted this original post we were breaking down boxes and I had to get the baler key.  I got the key, crushed the boxes and left the key in the baler as I normally do.  The next day when I went into work I was being questioned as to what happened to the baler key.  What?  Apparently by leaving the key in the baler it has now gone missing.  That makes no sense.  The OM texted the GM about where the key had gone, the GM said I was the last one to have it.  Yeah I was but I left it in the fucking baler.  My guess is the GM took the key out at the end of that night but completely forgot about it.  Ok so we have no baler key but the OM found another key on his own keychain that worked in the baler.  That was being used for a couple days until now that one too has seemed to vanish.  Needless to say we no longer have any baler key and can't break down boxes anymore.  I like how this wasn't a problem at all when the key stayed in the baler.  It is kind of ironic that LOSS PREVENTION is the one that said we should take it out to prevent loss.  I don't think he realized that two keys getting lost would also be a problem....
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ORIGINAL POST

If you read my previous post you will remember when I spoke about how whenever we get a visit from the Gods of Retail, the baler key always seems to disappear.  Well it has been a few weeks since then and for the last few days I noticed that whenever I went throw boxes into the baler I couldn't because none of the boxes were crushed.  And the damn key was gone again.  At that point I don't give a crap and just throw the boxes right in front of the baler and walk away.   I became a little more concerned about this situation when I realized I would have to be the one to get the stupid key and crush the millions of boxes sitting in front of the baler and it is starting to piss me off.   The main reason it pisses me off because I see no logic for it being taken out in the first place.  No one is going to somehow jump in the baler and turn it on from the inside and crush themselves, it just isn't happening.  And some customer isn't going to go to receiving just to steal the baler key, if they did they are completely retarded.

Well today I decided to complain to one of my fellow coworkers about how freaking lame it is.  He told me that there is a reason why the key keeps getting taken out now.  I originally thought it was because of the last visits either the DM or the head of LP bitched about the key being left in the baler.  Here is the logic I was given.  Apparently there has been quite a bit of internal theft in the store.  Meaning employees are stealing shit from the store.  Somehow it is assumed that they are stealing stuff and hiding it in the baler.  This makes no fucking sense.  If they were hiding something in the baler, it is going to get crushed.  Whatever they were just trying to steal is now flattened like a pancake.  "I really want this printer, I don't care if it gets flattened and doesn't work anymore!" or "Wow this laptop is even thinner than the display model, it's ok that it doesn't even power on or the screen is smashed!".... Sometimes I really don't understand the things that happens in this store...

ALL HAIL THE RETAIL GODS!

It's that time of year again, when upper management decides to visit our store.  Lord Farquaad and his boss we'll call him Bob, came in a little while ago.  Of course we knew they were coming in advance but as always we have to make sure the store is 100% to please the Retail Gods.   This of course means that we have to neglect our normal daily activities to make sure the store is spotless and set correctly.  But the day before the visit we got a truck which means the next day when I close, about 85% of my pull-list will still be buried on the truck.  When they got to the store I was helping a customer when the GM calls over to me saying, "They are here!" Oh great, fantastic, happy day... 

As soon as they came in they go behind the tech counter and immediately start looking at the service envelopes and critiquing every last note written on the envelope.  Once I was done with the customer I was helping at the tech counter I high tailed it away from the counter as fast as I could because I didn't want to hear anything they were saying because frankly, I don't fucking care.  So I decided to finish breaking down the tech truck so I could do my pull-list in a timely manner instead of digging through mountains of boxes to find a 4 port USB hub.  After they finally leave and some annoying role playing lameness later, I get to hear about the things they said to the GM.  The GM tells me of the surprising fact that I brought a U-Boat of truck out onto the floor to put everything away, we weren't even that busy and there were surprisingly 2 techs working.  Lord Farquaad and Bob apparently were shocked by this and said you don't normally do truck this early do you? Granted it was some time in the afternoon, not AM.  Apparently we aren't supposed to do truck until the wee hours of the night because we are supposed to devote 100% of our time dealing with customers... So apparently they want us to get truck done, but they don't want us to do it.  Makes perfect sense to me.  Especially when we watched the LAME video it says we are supposed to work and let customers know we are available to assist them, not just walk by twiddling our thumbs.    Oh by the way the LAME program (or so I call it) is a program the company spent millions of dollars on to improve our customer purchases and track how many people actually came into the store.  You know instead of spending that money on employees who are actually reponsible for all that shit.  Instead they give employees 3 cent raises and say continue the good work!  FUCK YOU!  And I think LAME stands for Lame Annoying  Miserable Enviornment.  I know I shouldn't have lame as part of the acroynym but oh well.  But that is what I think they should rename the program to.

And the last thing I like to point out is that every time we get a visit from HR, or LP, or any kind of higher management the freakin baler key keeps getting taken out of the baler.  Like it is dangerous to leave the key in there?!  Who the hell will jump in the baler and somehow turn it on from the inside and crush themselves?! NO ONE!  So I was about to throw boxes in the baler but couldn't because the key was gone.  You know what? Fuck it, I'm not going to the front of the store to get the key that should already be there just to break boxes.

People are Crazy

This week has been kind of crazy.  Or rather the people that have been coming into the store are crazy.  I partly blame it on the fact that is a full moon but mostly these people are just nuts.  I am going to go through a couple of customer interactions that has happened to me and a couple of my fellow associates.  The first one is actually a continuation of the story Umm, You Can't Back That Up .  The customer from that story showed up again, of course when I'm in the middle of helping a customer and two others are waiting.  While I'm walking to an aisle to get an antivirus program for the customer I am helping he comes up to me and reminds me about his computer...  We backed up his data but we didn't do the recovery because he didn't have recovery discs.  He goes on to tell me that the manufacturer of his computer didn't carry the recovery discs for his machine anymore and he downloaded it.  WHAT? While he is explaining this, in my head I'm like dude what the fuck are you talking about?!  You can't download recovery discs and if you did you did so illegally.  Then he starts asking me why did he have to pay for the diagnsotic on his computer.  Because we fucking diagnosed what was wrong with your computer!

The next story involved this little asian lady and my coworker.  The lady wanted a diagnostic to be performed at her house instead of bringing it to the store.  Now remember I am the on-site tech in my store and I would be the one that goes out.  Now the coworker goes on to explain that before I can go to her house to diagnose the problem with the computer she would have to pay for the service.  She says, "Oh I see, you are one of those Mitt Romney companies!!" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?!?  Anyway she keeps complaining that she has to pay for me to go to her house.  Then she tells my coworker that she can just pick me up at the store.  WHAT!??! No you can't just pick me up at the store.  To top off the story, my coworker goes to the board with my picture on it to get her a business card to the store and my name on it.  Yeah it's freakin stupid that the techs now have their pictures on a board for all the weirdos to see.  Anyway while my coworker is grabbing the business card she points to one of the pictures of my other coworker and just says, "I don't like him!!!" hahahaha

Give Me Gas Money!

I go into work a earlier in the afternoon when the morning tech is still there.  While he is still in the store we decide to clean up receiving a little bit, we still had printers, monitors, and computers on u-boats that had to be put away.  We finish putting them all away then maybe a half hour to forty five minutes later a lady comes in looking for a cheap laptop.  It is only being used for email and Internet so a basic machine is fine.  She picks out the one she wants and I check to see if we have it, and we do so I bring it out and proceed to ring her up.  While the transaction is finalizing the SM is calling the tech counter from the copy center and my co-worker picks it up.  He's talking to the SM and I can only hear the co-workers side of the conversation.  Long story short the laptop that I just sold was being held for someone who had called earlier that morning.  Too bad there was no note or anything on the computer saying it was on hold so how the hell am I supposed to know, I'm not a freakin' mind reader.

When the lady leaves the store I talk to the SM wondering what we are going to do about the customer that had called.  I check and see the computer is still available on .com so worst comes to worst I can order it for the customer.  We also decided that we will let the customer know it was on hold but someone came in earlier saying they had the computer on hold and we sold it to them assuming it was the same person.

A few hours later a guy comes in to return a .com laptop that we had just ordered not too long ago and says he is going to switch it out for something different.  Ok, so I proceed with the return of the .com order and after I finish he says that we had a laptop on hold for him... Oh great this is the guy who had originally called for the hold on the computer.  I go to the back to check just in case I had missed one in our lockup but alas there were no more.  I tell the customer what had transpired saying it was on hold but someone came in earlier claiming it was on hold.  The guy starts freaking out saying this is bullshit and complaining why didn't we write his name on the damn computer.  I understand his frurstration, it's not my fault my SM is dumb afterall. 

So I try to check online to see if we can still order it but our register computers blow so much that it just freezes once I get to the page.  The customer says he wants it tonight, so I check our nearby stores to track one down.  Our next closest store is only 20 minutes away and I called them to confirm that they had one to sell.  As I stated in a previous post we aren't allowed to do "save a sale" anymore so the customer would have to go to the store to purchase it.  The guy from the other store is saying that they have one and will the customer be in tonight.  I ask the customer if he will be going there tonight to get it because they do have it.  The customer says yes he wants it tonight but we have to give him gas money to go pick it up.  WTF??  Or we have to go get it for him (we were shorthanded so no) or that the other store would have to bring it to him.  Meanwhile the guy on the phone from the other store keeps asking what we are going to do.  I tell him the customer's name, to just hold it aside and I will call back if there is a problem because the customer is freaking out right now.  I tell the customer that it's held aside and he can get it tonight.  He keeps complaining that I have to give him gas money to get it and the GM also gets involved saying unfortunately we cannot give him gas money.  The guy leaves the store all pissed off and cursing.

Later on that night the GM texts the SM saying that the guy is going to come back into the store the next day to talk to the person that put the computer on hold.  The SM texts back all nervous asking why is he going to be asking for me?! Of course the customer never said this but the GM thought it would be funny to get a rise out of the SM, I concur.  To make it even better I think I am going to describe the guy to the SM in a manner that will scare the shit out of the SM.  I am going to describe him as like 6'5", muscley and bald, wearing a SLAYER t-shirt, driving a pickup truck with testicles hanging from the back.  Oh and I think I'm also going to tell him as the guy was leaving the store he said, "I'm going to cut off the balls of the guy who said he put the laptop aside for me!"  In reality the guy was like 5'7" and really skinny and wasn't very threatening at all.

The Sweet Sound of Death

Tonight I was working like any other night.  As the only tech working, I had to deal with people waiting in a line who get frustrated because they were waiting in a line.   I am the only one there that can help them with whatever tech problems they are having.  While I'm helping this one guy pick up his computer that had some corrupted video drivers, I notice three other people behind the man I'm currently dealing with.  The guy with the computer leaves and I get a data transfer cable for the guy who was next in line.  Then I come back to the tech counter and talk to the third person who was there with her daughter and she starts to go off on me.

Lady: "I had my computer here and you cleaned it out and now the sound is dead, you killed the sound!"

Based on what I just heard, it sounds like we did a system recovery and we somehow missed the audio drivers.  I ask her for her phone number to see what work we did on the computer and when it was completed.  When I look up the work order by her phone number the first thing that I notice is that the computer was last serviced mid OCTOBER of 2011...  (I have mentioned this distorted view of time the customers have in this post).  I mention that is when the computer was here and proceed to see what work was completed.  I open it and find that all we did on the computer was a PC Tune-up and a Memory Installation.  In no way, shape, or form could doing a tune-up and memory install cause it to "kill her audio".  I then go on to tell her exactly that. 

Me: "Ma'am we did a tune-up and a RAM installation on your computer there is no way that either of those services could have 'killed your sound'.  Now it is possible that the laptop's speakers are dead or a driver could have been corrupted but it wouldn't have been from the services we performed..."

Lady: "NO! THAT IS NOT THE PROBLEM! YOU KILLED MY SOUND!! I HAD THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE LOOK AT MY COMPUTER AND THEY ALL SAID THAT YOU KILLED MY SOUND!!! I AM VERY UPSET I GO TO PLAY SOMETHING AND I HAVE NO SOUND!!! I WANT TO TALK THE MANAGER TO HAVE THIS RESOLVED!!"

Me: "If this was a problem resulting from the services we did, why didn't you come back after it was done...?"

I completely forgot what she told me at this point because I was in disbelief in what was going on.  My guess is it was something lame like, "I was on vacation for two months" or "I was in the hospital for a sprained ankle"

At this point I have lost faith in humanity so I went into the office to clear my thoughts.  I page my fellow co-worker into the office and tell him of what has just transpired.  He is laughing as I point to lady through the two way mirror, a mirror on one side, and a window on the other.  She then goes up to one of the managers and starts explaining what she just explained to me.  My co-worker and I struggle as we try to hear what she is saying through the glass.  She basically explains the same thing to the manager and the manager explains what a tune-up entails and how it is performed and in no way could the sound not working be resulting from our service.  He then asked if she had a virus recently and her face turned completely red, apparently she had.  He explains more than likely a virus has caused the issues and she could bring it in for us to look at for a diagnostic charge...

RIP Sound

It was nice Hearing you!

Pissing Off The Customer

One thing I noticed about this company that they definitely have no problem pissing off customers. Of course it is usually because we are following the policies that they put in place and when the customer calls and complains they give in within three nanoseconds making the stores look like complete assholes.  Anyway I digress.  I'm going to tell you the story that happened the other day.  A couple with two kids come into the store looking to buy a laptop.  I get called over by my OM to help them.  I get to the laptops and start talking to them about what they are using it for and the things they may need.  They show me the laptop they were looking at that was on sale, it was a really good price.  I tell them a little about it and proceed to check if we have it in stock.  Of course we do not have it in stock so I check online to see if it can be ordered but alas it doesn't even exist on our website.  I come back to tell them unforunately we are out and I can't order it online so I'm going to see if any stores in the area have it and they can go pick it up.  So I check all the stores in the area and no one has it except one store that shows only a couple.  I tell the customer I am going to call the other store and I will be right back.  I call them up and talk to the manager before I even tell him what I am looking for he says the number and says they are definitely out.  So I explain to the customer that no stores in our area has it, we don't have it, and we can't order it online.  The guy starts getting angry, "Ok well can you order it?"  I explained that I check on our website and the item didn't even exist even though it is an ACTIVE item.  He starts getting more pissed, "HOW CAN YOU ADVERTISE SOMETHING AND IT CAN'T EVEN BE PURCHASED!!?!"  I completely agree because this is completely retarded that I am trying to sell a product to a customer and it can't even be purchased.

At this point the only thing I can offer is the display even though it is ACTIVE but I just want to get these people out of the store, I don't care if I have to put up a display again when and if it ever comes back into the store.  He gets mad and says we have to subsitute something similar for the same price.  Unfortunately we aren't allowed to do that without an approved item from the corporate office.  He gets even more frustrated and she explains that she wants one in a box.  So I do more looking around to find another store that may have it.  I make a couple more calls and do find a store that has it but it is almost an hour away from our location.  I asked them if they can send it to us even though our region has said we are no longer allowed to do "save a sales"  but this was an extreme circumstance since I can't get this item for the customer any other way.

In the end, we were able to get the laptop shipped to our store for the customer and even managed to get the plan.  The reason I am mentioning the plan is because it means I don't have to hear my SM bitch and moan asking me, "Duuuuude, what happened?"

The "I Hate My Job" Song

If you have been reading this blog you know that I'm not too enthusiastic about working at this retail store.  You are probably wondering why I am still working here if I hate it so much.  I'm currently looking for another job but I am not having much luck.  I think as soon as they see this company's name on my resume they think I'm an idiot and just skip right over it.  Anyway here is something you should know that I do a lot at work.  To kill the time I like to take every lame song that plays in the store and change the lyrics a little to emphasize how I feel about my job.  It has become second nature now so sometimes I don't even realize I am doing it.

Well the other night I wasn't even listening to whatever crap that was playing over the loud speaker.  I was working on my scavenger hunt list while doing the truck because about 80% of the shit on the list was still on the truck.  But instead of doing the truck first then doing a pull-list I have to find stuff that is buried under 50 boxes of shredders or go through 50 totes to find a mouse pad.... In agony, I belted out a song version of "I Hate My Job!" then all of a sudden a lady a couple aisles over in the Martha Stewart section sticks her head around the corner and asks, "What did you say?!"  Oh shit, I was caught completely off guard and didn't know how to answer her inquiry.   Maybe she heard me wrong and then she continued with, "Did you just sing you hate your job?"  I then reply, "Yes, yes I did...A little work time comedy..."  The lady then goes on to tell me that if she worked here she probably would hate her job too hahaha!  Well that broke the ice and I helped her find what she was looking for. I went back to my crappy truck and pull-list and she continued to shop around the store.  As she was leaving she came up to me one last time and said, "I'm going to be thinking about that all night now, that was really funny!"  Needless to say that was the highlight of my crappy night.

Laptops from HELL

I was working one night and it was sucking just like everyday does at the friendly neighborhood retail HELL.  Once again the DEMONS like to show themselves mostly at the times I am working.  The one customer's computer whom we fixed only a few days ago came back with the same problem.  His webcam just ceased to function.  We saw it was a driver issue installed the software and BAM it worked.  It was demonstrated for him twice before leaving the store.  He comes in and puts the laptop on the counter and says the webcam isn't working again.  At first I didn't know who this customer was because I only briefly looked at the computer during its stay in the store, and I never actually met the customer.  So I check device manager and low and behold the webcam just vanished from the face of the earth.  I try to do a quick system restore while the customer is walking around and it fails to do the restore.  I try another restore point and it fails that one too.  I tell the customer I will try a few things that they can leave and come back if they want, and I'll call them once I know.  Now the computer wasn't even booting, it was freezing at the POST screen or freezing before actually loading windows.  I call him up to tell him I am going to redo the diagnostic tests he originally had done because something doesn't seem right now.  All the diagnostics passed with flying colors but I didn't get a chance to look over everything else because of the other things that happened...  Anyway turns out my fellow tech associate was able to fix the computer by resetting the BIOS, running startup repair and reinstalling the webcam software and magically the webcam showed up in device manager again.  I like how when I tried to do anything with the BIOS or run start up repair the computer just kept freezing completely on me, that was even after doing a battery pull and memory reseat... fucking demons...

The next lady comes in while I'm looking for the needles in a haystack AKA my pull-list, and I am paged to the tech counter.  The lady explains to me how she called earlier and they told her to drop it off, ok.  Turns out we did a PC setup service at the end of December and she somehow fucked something up so bad that the manufacturer of the computer reformatted her computer.  Now all the data and software we transferred and installed was gone.  Now we have to do all the work again, and of course we won't get actual labor time to do the work since money is actually not coming into the store...

So it's around 8:00PM and we close at 9:00PM and the SM tells me that we have to do the entire laptop planogram and it has to be done by tonight... so says the word from Lord Farquaad (DM)...  Apparently the SM asked one of the associates if he finished the laptop planogram sometime during the week and the SM claims that he said he had.  Idk how true this statement is, nor do I really care, because the SM tends to lie A LOT.   The SM says once we close and he finishes all the closing procedures he will come out to help me with the laptop planogram.  Great I actually won't have to do the entire thing alone.  We close at 9:00PM and the drawers and deposit don't take very long to do.  He should be out of the cash office by 9:30-9:45 to help me.  Apparently a whole bunch of money went missing or misplaced and he didn't actually get out of the cash office until around 11PM... By then I was about 70% done with the laptop planogram.  Which involved taking down 15 laptops and putting up about 18 new ones... He comes out and starts complaining that no one did the cart full of ink... uh no shit we had no cashier from 8:00PM to closing...so he had to do that... Meanwhile I was still working on the HELL that is the laptop planogram.  Finally he finishes the ink and whatever else he was doing to come help me, but not really help me put the laptop displays out but just signs everything.  I think he actually helped me put the last display out because I had to bolt a piece to the table and it couldn't be done by one person.  Long story short, we closed at 9:00PM and I didn't get to leave the store until about 12:50AM all because Lord Farquaad wanted the laptop planogram done by the end of that night.  To top it off I was supposed to open the next morning.  Good thing I switched with one of the other techs or I would have gone Bat Shit Crazy in the morning.

FUCK MY JOB!!!!

The NEW Parts System

The only way I can describe the new part system that we have been using for the last few months is, "Making it 'Easier' by Making it More Annoying".  The only good thing I found with the new parts system is that it is easier to find a specific part that we are looking for.  Whether it be a certain CD/DVD drive or a laptop specific keyboard.  That's where the good ends and the misery begins.  Everything else with this part system is completely retarded. 

With the old part system it was attached directly to a customer's work order.  You could go right into the work order, add or change it, and essentially just add a part or request a quote on the part through there.  It was a lot easier to keep track of because the part was attached to the work order.  Now with the new system I have to go and make a work order and add a SKU called Part Only Order.  Then I have to use an entirely different computer to actually order the part, it asks for the same information regarding make and model, and the work order number that we just made.  Then it comes time to actually ring up the part for the customer.  Just imagine that this customer only ordered a part, no services or anything else.  How many barcodes does it take to ring up ONE part??  The correct answer is FOUR.  FOUR fucking barcodes to ring up ONE fucking item.  First barcode is the actual part, then we have to type in the price. Second barcode is the internal work order for the part order (on the parts system).  Third barcode is for the Part Only SKU that we made on the customer's work order, then finally the work order number that has the Part Only SKU on it.  Whoever designed this system needs to be shot in the face.

Ok, now the part is ordered and what we have to do next is wait.  All the parts on the parts system say they will arrive in 1-3 days.  That's not terrible at all.  Some of the RAM we order comes in the very next day, power supplies usually two days, hard drives WHO FUCKING KNOWS? (apparently due to flooding overseas hard drive orders had a 10 day wait, of course no mention of that on the parts system when ordering them).

When the parts finally do come in then it's a gamble if the part is actually defective or not.  About 3 out of 5 parts that I have been installing actually worked, the other 2 were defective.  First I have to call the customer to inform them that our parts company is retarded and sent another defective part. That I am ordering a new one and they now have to wait longer. Then the next step is process the request for the bad part, put a new label on the box, and throw it in the UPS drop off bin.  Then I have to make a new part order to request the same damn part.  If the customer paid already for the part then when they come in I have to return the part and ring up the new part.

Of course when they first introduced this new part system they made it sound amazing.  And the only amazing thing about it about is how amazingly retarded and overly complicated it has to be.  I mean FOUR barcodes for one freakin part is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  Oh and don't forget when I have to deal with all this bullshit when I am the only tech working that day, while dealing with the retarded customers, doing pull-list, truck, and other tech work.  Why is the Associate Satisfaction score so low?? Geez I don't fucking know!!

NEXT POST: Laptops from HELL

COMING SOON... Possibly Today...

Time: A Warped View from the Customer's Perspective

From working in this store for a couple years now, I have learned one thing.  Our customers have a really distorted view when it comes to time.  The customers also have a hard time actually listening to what we tell them and imagine we say different things, but that is a topic for another post.  Anyway, I have a couple of stories that will help you see time from the customer's perspective.  There are many factors that determine when a computer that comes in for service will be completed.  Depending on if there are tech associates on the schedule who have the certification to work on computers, how much other bullshit needs to be done in the store, if there is actually an overlap in the schedule so tech work can be completed, and lastly how many computers are currently in the store that need to be worked on.

THE "I NEED IT BACK YESTERDAY" CUSTOMER

If you ever worked as a tech at a retail store you can probably attest that this can be one of the most annoying customers you will encounter.  They drop off their computer which they use for work and it's full of porn.  Apparently actually doing work came second for the need to crank one out.  Anyway they bring it in and ask we get to it as soon as possible.  Then we glance over at our production board and realize that there are about 10 other computers ahead of this one.  We explain that because there are other computers ahead of theirs the wait be a little longer usually 3-4 days if we are backed up.  This is always too much for the customer to hear and they always get extremely frustrated that we aren't miracle workers.

Finally we check in their computer, get to work on some of the others so we can get to their precious as soon as possible.  Maybe an hour or two went by and they call to check the status of their computer.  Are you fucking serious right now?  You just checked in we are still working on the other 10 computers that were ahead of yours.  And you aren't helping  by calling constantly to check up on your baby.  We will call you once we know what the problem is and a way to fix it.

So maybe about two to three days later we are able to get to that computer and we call the customer and tell them what needs to be done.  We usually have it complete the next day once we know what the problem is.  And this is where it gets really fucked up.  We rushed to get their computer done because they need it and when we call them to tell them it is ready they say, "Oh it's ready? I'll be in next week or next month to pick it up!" WTF?? You were mad that we weren't able to rush your computer and when it done within the time frame we gave you, you aren't even picking it up for a freaking month?  This has happened multiple times...

THE "I HAD IT HERE RECENTLY, SO IT IS YOUR FAULT" CUSTOMER

This customer also can piss off a tech.  Our warranty period for tech services is 30 days.  Within 30 days a customer can bring their computer back and we can look at it for no additional charge. Unless something else completely seperate from the original problem occurs then it may need additonal services.  Anyway the customer brings in the computer says we did a tune-up not long ago on it and since then it has been acting weird.  Ok, lets see when your computer was last here.  So it's now Februrary 2012 and your computer was last here in April 2011... That wasn't recent at all.  If the problem of not getting on the Internet just occured in the last week there is no freakin way what we did in April 2011 affected it now...

THE "IT WAS DONE ON TIME, BUT I AM NOT HAPPY" CUSTOMER

Recently our TSAT came down and we were sitting at 78%.  That means 78% of the people that took the survey said we did perfect.  That's pretty damn good if you ask me, well not according to management.  Management only gets mad about how they run the store when the CSAT & TSAT come out.  Anyway, there is a section on the TSAT where customers can actually write about how we did.  Things they liked and things they didn't like.  One customer gave us a 4 out of 5 (which brought down the score to the 78% by the way) and this is exactly what the comment said. "THEY TOLD ME IT WOULD BE DONE IN 3-4 DAYS AND IT WAS, BUT I AM STILL NOT HAPPY"  I'm sorry I didn't rub your feet and lay out a red carpet for you when you came in the store fucktard.

Until Next Time!

DEMONS!!

One of the running jokes we have in the store is how about 70% of the computers we get in for service are possessed by the devil.  We like to call these computers Demon PCs.  The term Demon PC is given to the computer that is having the weirdest issues or giving us the most problems, but not necessarily resulting from the computer having viruses.  We even went as far as making special sticky notes that we stuck by the computer representing that this computer was currently the Demon PC of the day... At this point you are probably saying to yourself, "This guy obviously is stupid and has no idea what he is talking about!"  On the contrary, I have sufficient evidence to prove my claims that no earthly creature has taken over the computers, only the supernatural.  Follow me as we venture into the vast underworld!

The Good Demons
The first set of computers are the ones that come in because they are unable to boot into the Operating System.  A number of things can cause such errors to occur.  Viruses, corrupted system files, deleting of important files, bad updates can all contribute to why the computer is no longer booting properly.  So we take them in for diagnostics run PC Doctor on the computers to check all the hardware components.  Once all the hardware passes all the diagnostics we move onto software to see what could be causing the issues.  Then miraculously the computers seem to boot up with no problems.  We run a virus scan, it comes back clean, everything else on the computer is fine and it runs very well.  We changed nothing else besides running the diagnostics software prior to booting the OS.  But wait, it gets better!

The Bad Demons
One of the bad demons I have encountered was a laptop whose screen managed to be completely upside down.  Now I know what you are thinking, the video card must have been set on rotation to flip the screen 180º.  Nope that wasn't the case because the screen was flipped before it even gets to the OS.

Our company also likes to boast how our tune-ups make your computer run like brand new!  In fact they don't make them run brand new but sometimes disabling start up services can make it a little faster.  Unless the computer is possessed by a demon that is.  Somehow after doing a tune-up the computer runs 10 times slower than it did before...

Another famous laptop that came into our store was one that kept freezing.  The customer explained to us that while he was using it, if he walked away for a minute the computer would be completely frozen.  So we take it in for a diagnostic and find there are several problems with the system memory.  We recommend getting new RAM chips and install it for him.  The customer agrees and we get the new RAM and install it.  Run a stress test which makes the all the components run at full load all at once and it doesn't freeze.  Then we let the computer sit for a couple hours to make sure it doesn't freeze, it doesn't.  But as soon as the customer got it home it froze within a few minutes.  I asked him if he was hooking up anything different to it outside of the store, or running anything specifically, but of course he says he just powered it on and it froze.  The only difference was he was using his power cord at home and we were running our universal one in the store because he forgot his.  So he brings it back with his power cord and alas it still doesn't freeze in the store...

There are also times when a full refomat of a computer is the only way to fix some of the issues it is having.  After thoroughly checking over the computer and finding the hardware is fine, we recommend doing a full recovery.  Wiping the computer clean and starting over.  This is typically the last resort to fix problems.  But then the demons return to cause havok!  We did a full recovery on a system only to receieve the following error message...

So the installation wasn't successful, but it completed successfully.  Meanwhile the error code is Error: DS_S_Success(0x0).  Makes perfect sense to me.

What is a story about demons without FIRE!? This one desktop computer wasn't powering on at all.  So we found out it was the power supply by testing with another power supply.  We ran the full diagnostics on the computer to make sure nothing else was wrong.  I went to our part system and ordered the power supply that specifically said it was for the particular machine I was working on.  It comes in, I install it and then it's time to test it.  I power on the computer all is fine and dandy until the computer shuts off and I smell smoke... I run over to the computer unplug it and open up the case and find that the 4 pin plug is smoking.  It must be defective I thought, I call the customer to inform them and proceed to order another one, once again the part I ordered said it was specifically for the machine I was working on.  We get the replacement and once again the computer starts to smoke once I power it on... Ok two defective parts in a row, not likely.  This was partly because the parts system is retarded and apparently mixed up some numbers so the power supply wasn't compatible with this unit.  Even though the power ratings were the same in terms of Watts and Voltages it still managed to start smoking...

So far all the computers I have been talking about were all ones that were already being used.  But the demons somehow manage to get into the new computers we sell too.  We set up a new laptop, we had just finished installing all the software, doing all the updates, and transferring all the data from the old computer.  I come in the next day to find the computer is no longer booting and has a bluescreen.  Fantastic I love that it had a defective hard drive but only starts to present itself after we finished all the work on it.  I called the customer we had to switch it out and do all the work again.

Another new desktop was setup recently within the store.  It was completed, recovery discs were made, and all the data from the old computer was on the new computer.  The customer came and picked it up and we powered it up in the store for the customer to verify the work.  Later in the evening, the customer calls and says the computer is asking him to set up Windows.  WTF?!  I give him some things to try but if he still has a problem call me back.  He calls back and the computer is booted up but everything is gone.  I tell him to bring it in and I'll take a look.  I power it up in the store and find that not only did the computer reformat itself but somehow it changed the bit version from 64 to 32, moved his data to a window.old folder which only happens if you install Windows on top of itself, and the computer didn't have any of the manufacturer software on the computer anymore.  Great so glad we did all the work because now we had to do it all again.  I still don't understand how that can even happen.  I restarted the computer about 10 times after finishing the recovery and putting the data back on.  Everything seem to be ok.

So as you can see Demons are very real and they like to infect any of the computers we are servicing.  When I applied for this job they didn't mention that I would also need training as an Excorcist!!

If you have any Demon stories you would like to share please leave a comment!!

A Week in the Life...

It's been an interesting week.  And by interesting I mean miserable as usual.  I'm gonna go through a couple of things that happened this week that I think are news worthy.  I apologize but this post may be a little long.  We'll start with the most annoying customer of the week.  I go into work Monday morning like usual to find that once again I am the only tech scheduled until the night tech comes in at the same time I leave.  Don't forget that Monday was MLK day and people with real jobs didn't have to work except the poor souls that had to work in a crappy retail store...  Of course it was going to be busy, and it was.  I'm trying to get a handle on some of the tech work that was piling up behind the tech counter but its still extremely hard to get anything done when people constantly approach you to ask you stupid questions.  I'm trying to make one or two clicks on a computer I'm looking at before being interupted yet again by another customer.  All while the tech phone was ringing all day. 

This one customer kept calling to check the status of the two computers he brought in, one was a desktop, the other was a laptop.  We had already diagnosed the problem with the laptop and found the hard drive was starting to fail.  His desktop however passed all the hardware diagnostics but something was seriously wrong on the software side.  You logged into the OS and everything starts closing by itself with error messages.  I was in the middle of a virus scan that also was forced to shut down not before showing it had three threats, but not knowing if they were high level trojans or just low level tracking cookies.  Anyway he calls to check on the status, I update him on the laptop but the desktop I'm still looking at and will call him when I know anything further.  I help a crapload of people right after getting off the phone barely have time to get back to desktop and he calls again.  I explain what is happening and we are seeing what we can do. I WILL CALL YOU WHEN I KNOW WHAT IS WRONG.  Low and behold he calls not even an hour later to check again.  At this point I'm annoyed to hell by this guy.  It may have a virus, but whatever is going on it's fucked up bad, the only thing we can do is a reformat on the desktop and replace the hard drive on the laptop.  I explained in both cases data would be lost because both computers would need to be reformatted to fix all the problems he was having.  I had to explain the concept of data backup at least six times before he comprehended.  I estimated two days to fix the desktop, that gave us time to backup everything and do the recovery and be sure all the problems were gone.  The laptop however we had to order a hard drive and I couldn't guarantee when it would be ready because our part ordering system has been delaying like crazy with hard drive orders.

Two days goes by and we fix the desktop and I call him to let him know the desktop is ready but the laptop we are still waiting on the hard drive to install.  We can't do anyting to fix it until the drive is in, besides backing up the data on it.  Yesterday he came into the store before I went in and told one of the techs that he was picking up his laptop.  The tech saw all the information on what was done and explained that the desktop was ready to go but the laptop wasn't.  You know because I didn't explain this in great detail when I talked to guy... He told the tech that he would be in later to check, even though the tech explained it wouldn't be ready because the hard drive wasn't here yet, but he can take the desktop and pay for the desktops services.  He left and called later that night. I of course got the story from the tech who explained what had transpired earlier.  THAT GUY IS A FREAKIN IDIOT! Anyway he did come in that night and pick up the desktop and I explained about another 15 times that the laptop we are still waiting on the damn hard drive, once it comes in we will work on it right away...

                                                                                                                                                                    

This brings me to my next topic of discussion.  There are way too many people that should not have computers or be allowed to use them.  This one lady was playing around the one of the display laptops testing out the word processing program included.  She moved the mouse and when she wanted to click she kept going up and hitting the spacebar as a mouse click button... I explained about four times to her the mouse button is below the trackpad and that she is hitting the spacebar.  And she kept freakin doing it! *FACE PALM* 

Also a customer called the other day and spoke to the cashier explaining she couldn't install the antivirus she just purchased.  When she looked on the box and saw it was for PC she wasn't sure she had one of those... Before I picked up the phone I was contemplating to pick up the phone call the lady an idiot and just hang up.  I picked it up and answered in a polite but sarcastic manner.  Turns out she couldn't put the CD in the drive, not because it was stuck, but because she couldn't push the disc down onto the laptop CD tray...

Another customer recently bought a computer and it was clear he didn't know what the hell he was doing.  So we set up the computer for him and tested his email and everything was fine and dandy.  Of course with these customers they want their XP computer to be EXACTLY THE SAME as their new 7 computer.  We can make it as close as possible but we aren't installing every piece of software under the Sun unless you pay for it.  Even then it's way too freakin time consuming to duplicate everything between the two.  The transfer cable does a pretty good job at this but its still not going to be EXACT!

________________________________________________________________________________

The final piece of my venting is going to be about the SM. Last week my SM keeps telling me we have to increase our turn-around time on tech work because we averaged 6 days last week. That's funny, because then he proceeds to tell me that I'm only allowed to work on THREE machines that night... He also explains that we need to sell more Plans.  Ok, so you want me to get all these computers done but not work on them, AND you want me to sell too?  Increase productivity by not being productive, this is like the counterproductive policy all over agian... Not only that but still having one tech working both the floor and behind the counter is not going to accomplish anything. I have voiced my opinion about this many times. We need to have two techs working for a period of time, even if it for only a couple hours!  If one tech is working, computers can hardly get done and sales will be low, YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH!!!

I want to continue my discussion of my SM and sometimes he is a complete idiot.  He ordered a keyboard for a netbook last week for a customer.  He handed it off to the tech to ring up but he was definitely the one who ordered it.  The keyboard came in a few days later and wasn't even remotely the right keyboard.  The customer called to check the status he told her that the part company sent us the wrong part. When overlooking the information on the order I saw the SMs name on the part order with the wrong part but the tech associate's name on the actual work order. I asked the SM who actually placed the order, he tells me the associate did...Well whatever it's gotta get taken care of either way.

Instead of taking care of it the SM passed it on to the tech who was working to get the situation rectified.  Of course that tech was also experiencing the SINGLE TECH DILEMA and didn't get a chance to take care of it.  Still instead of the SM taking care of his own mistake he passed it on to me.  I had to call the company to be sure I was getting the right part, ship back the wrong one, and order the right one, and called the customer to inform her.  Meanwhile the part is now on back order all because the SM ordered the wrong damn part in the first place.  I know I probably sound like a bitchy little girl right now but I wouldn't be as pissed off if he amounted to his own wrongdoing...

                                                                                                                                                                    

I'm sorry, I lied about that being the last part of the post I forgot to mention a little thing called ASAT. ASAT stands for Associate Satisfaction and its a survey that goes to all the stores and asks you to rate the store and company.  Last year we got a low ASAT (big surprise) and HR sent someone to find out why.  Of course instead of actually interviewing all the employees within the store the HR rep only talked to about 4 associates and left. 

This year we scored a low ASAT again (still a big surprise, NOT) and our GM is going around asking all the employees why.  I don't have a problem with the managers, well except for the SM, but most of the problems I have are with the company as a whole, not listening when I say why we aren't performing like we should.  Of course my concerns are brushed under the rug or considered to be BELOW THE LINE in positive thinking.  One of the questions include, "If you had your way would you still be working here in twelve months?" Rate on a scale 1 to 5, 1 being not likely, 5 being extremely likely.  If I had my own way I would be on an island somewhere with bitches in both my arms drinking a pina colada.  What kind of stupid ass question is that?

And I'm done! I hate my job! Until next time!

Blast From The Past

This one happened to me about two years ago but it is still one of the funniest stories I have.  A guy came into the store looking for a program to open documents.  He didn't have the program installed on the computer and was looking for a program to do this.  After asking if he was planning to edit the documents or just look at them we found that what he needed was a word processing editor.  I showed him ones we had and he decided to go with the Product Key Card version of the productivity software.  I explained that since it was a product key card and he would be saving money he would have to download the software and install it then use the product key card in the packaging to activate it.  Otherwise he could go with the DVD version which would be easier to install but it does cost about 30 dollars more.  He seemingly understood what I was saying because he decided to go with that one anyway.  I showed him on the back of the packaging where to go to download the software then all he had to do was follow the instructions.  I rang him up and he went on his way.

About two hours later the guy comes back in the store comes up to the customer service counter and yells, "Don't you people answer your phones?! I have been calling for the last two hours and no one has picked up!!" I look at the cashier and then at the guy and said, "The phone hasn't been ringing at all for the last two hours. What number did you call?" He proceeds to tell me the number he called which was not our store's number.  He looked in the phone book and called the store in the town over that does not exist.  I still have yet to figure out why that number is in the phone book when there is no store there but whatever.  I asked him what the problem was and he explained that he can't download the software.  I ask him did he go to the website that I showed him on the back of the package.  He is like, "What website?" Once again I proceed to show him the web address that he would need to go to download the software.  I then give him the correct phone number to the store and tell him if has questions he can call.

Maybe about an hour later I get a tech call and sure enough it is the same guy.  He explains to me that he still cannot download the software. 

Me: "Did you go to the website on the back of the box?"

Guy: "I think so but I'm not sure what to do." 

I ask him to hold on, I am going to go to the same site on our computer and see what he is looking at.  I grab a box go to the site and see all the options on the screen.  I pick the phone back up and tell him to click the first option that is entitled Home and Student version. 

Guy: "What?! I don't see that!"

Me: "Are you on the website that showed you on the back of the box?"

Guy: "Website?"

Me: "Yes go to Internet Explorer, the little 'e' where go to webpages. Go to the address bar and type in exactly what you see on the back of the box..."  (I am seriously not understanding how this can be that difficult...)

*Long Pause*

Guy: "Argh, it doesn't help that I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM DOING!!!!!!!" *CLICK* (He hangs up)

I am dying laughing while I'm still holding the phone to my ear.  While laughing I proceed to tell one of my coworkers of what has just happened.

It is now one of the running jokes in the store that if someone comes in and complains but obviously has no idea what is going on we always joke about it later with the phrase, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM DOING!!!!!"

The Meat Story

A little while ago I was working one of those crazy days.  The ones where I am the only tech on and there is a line of three people dropping off computers for service while other people need help in routers and purchasing new computers. You know the usual.  Finally when it dies down a strange older gentleman comes up to the tech counter while I'm trying to catch up on the pile of computers that are in for service.  He wishes to buy a new computer all while explaining that he knows NOTHING about computers.  Ask him all about meat and he'll tell you about everything there is to know about meat.  Meat you ask? Yes, meat, this man was a meat man.  He chops up the meat off of animals such as deer and other types of animals, packs it and sells it.  This is the guy's job.  I mean I like steak as much as the next guy but this was pretty strange.  I'll decribe him, he was a taller heavy set man with a silver goatee, between 50's and 60's, a baseball hat, and about 2-3 teeth left showing in his mouth.  So while helping him with the new computer I mention that we have setup packages both in-store and on-site.  He gets all excited when I tell him about the on-site setup and that I would be the one that can come out to his house and setup his shiny new computer.  All the while I could smell the hint of alcohol on his breath.  He buys the computer and we setup the appointment for two days later.  We started some of the work in the store like making the recovery discs, software installations, and updates.  This makes it so the only thing I have to do on the on-site is setup the printer, connect to the wireless, data transfer, etc.

Two days later I come into the store and start gathering all the tools I need to complete the data transfer.  I find out that the guy called 2 hours earlier all mad because he thought I was supposed to be there already.  Great the meat guy is mad even though the appointment was agreed to be the time after I came into the store.  I can picture him now with a meat cleaver out when I pull up to his house.  I call him to confirm our appointment and he is all excited to have his new computer setup.  I knew where his house was generally located so I wasn't too concerned about where I was going.  That is, until I pulled up to his house and it looked like a rundown shack.  I contemplated getting out of the car and just turning around and heading back to the store.  I looked at the house again and noticed just the one part looked like a shack that the rest was actually a house.  So I manned up and approached the house and rang the bell.  He came to the door with his dog barking this time he wasn't wearing a cap and realized his silver hair was actually a silver mohawk.  And this time he was wearing a t-shirt and you can see the massive amounts of tattoos on his arms.  We head into the house and I setup the computer, get on the wireless, setup the printer, transfer his data, and install some other minor programs that he used.  All the while he is drinking his beer, watching some tattoo show and talking about meat while lovingly petting his dog.  I showed him how to navigate a little on the new computer and of course he kept right clicking everything instead of left clicking but eventually he started to get the hang of it.  He was a nice guy, but he was a still a strange individual.

Finally finished all the work that had to be done and was ready to get the hell out of there.  As he is walking me back to the door he says, "Let me show you my workspace."  His room is where we setup the computer so I haven't yet seen this workspace.  It was a room down the hallway from the door as he was walking he was wobbling a little bit, possibly from drinking too much beer.  He walks me outside and says, "Let me show you my meat room!" He opens the door next to the main door it was the one I originally saw when I first pulled in and looked like a shack.  Inside was a deer hanging upside that was completely gutted.  I found it interesting but perhaps a little disturbing since I came here to setup the guy's computer and he is now showing me a dead dear that is hanging in the shack which is connected to his house.  He thanked me again for setting up his computer and saying I did an amazing job helping him out.  He was so thankful he said, "I'm gonna come to the store and bring you some meat!!"  This was hands down the weirdest tech job I have ever done.